Lets be Frank, no really, lets all be like Frank!

For those of you who aren't lucky enough to get to listen to or read Frank Beckmann, I am publishing his editorial from today's Detroit News, word for word (I hope that is legal). It captures my fears about our how our Government (not just the Obama administration) is changing (and not for the better) beautifully. Anything in red does not belong to Frank, it is my "commentary".

Expanded powers seem to ignore constitutional limits

Americans have been promised that they will, at some point, be repaid for the loans our government gave to the banking and auto industries. If only the same assurances had been made about restoring our Constitution.

Our founding document seems to be ignored during the expansion of federal authority and programs that are not enumerated among the 18 powers granted to Congress under Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution.

Former President George W. Bush (to quote the movie Scarface "I never like him, I never trusted him) pushed us further along this slippery path with his No Child Left Behind law that inserted the federal government into the operation of local schools, an individual state responsibility.

And Bush began the Troubled Asset Relief Program bailout for Wall Street, claiming U.S. investment banks were too big to fail as a reason for tapping American tax dollars.(too big to fail "clearly not)

Nowhere does the Constitution authorize federal government actions based on that premise.

The Constitution arguably has been ignored in a succession of Obama administration decisions as well, which is not surprising given the president's stated belief that the document is a "charter of negative liberties." (Is that our Constitution he is talking about? The document that people have fought and died for, the document that allowed a country to land a man on the moon and launch the Hubble telescope, the document that inspired Patrick Henry to utter "give me liberty or give me death", the document that guarantees us freedoms never seen before or since, that document is a "charter of negative liberties"??? That statement is bordering on treason.)

That's what our founders intended in the document's creation, freeing citizens to seek their own happiness by putting checks on what the government can do.

Instead, the White House has fired Rick Wagoner as CEO of General Motors; discarded bankruptcy and state franchise laws in the reorganization of GM and Chrysler, along with their dealer closings; appointed more than three dozen czars to oversee everything from cars to California water to domestic violence, without any clear oversight; sought to regulate the pay of private business executives; set new rules that will determine what cars American automakers will build and sell; and wants a new health care system that would require individual participation under threat of fines.

In addition, the Washington Post recently reported that almost all new mortgages are being processed through the federal government, and the U.S. House passed a bill that would allow the government to take over the entire student loan portfolio. This last move threatens to politicize how citizens get loan capital and reduces the freedom of individuals to find terms most favorable to them.

Supporters of expanding government powers try to justify their policies by citing Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution, which states in part that Congress shall provide for "the general welfare" of the United States.(if we are not careful we will all wind up on welfare)

Thomas Jefferson wrote about just such a threat in 1791 when he said, "They are not to do anything they please to provide for the general welfare," according to documents housed at the University of Virginia.

To focus on "general welfare" without considering the rest of the constitution, explained Jefferson, "would reduce the whole instrument to a single phrase, that of instituting a Congress with power to do whatever would be for the good of the United States; and, as they would be the sole judges of the good or evil, it would be also a power to do whatever evil they please ... Certainly no such universal power was meant to be given them." (smart guy that Thomas Jefferson)

Our constitution was uniquely designed for the ages, as a document which would give every American generation a uniform basis for governance.

If the basis for our country is allowed to be discarded by any residing party in power, then they've become no better than the tyrannical rulers from whom our founders meant to distance themselves more than 230 years ago.

Frank Beckmann is host of "The Frank Beckmann Show" on WJR (760 AM) from 9 a.m. to noon Monday-Friday. His column appears on Friday. E-mail comments to letters@detnews.com.(smart guy that Frank Beckmann) .

I will not try to say it any better. I will add that when we start relying on the Government to insure our children get a proper education (no child left behind), to insure that failing businesses do not go under, to insure that everyone has health insurance whether they want it or not, to regulate what companies can pay their top officers, to determine what cars we have access to, and the biggest boondoggle of them all, to tax our carbon usage, it is no longer a slippery slope!

If we saw such behavior in Russia, we would cry out"they are back to their old Communist ways"! When we see such actions in France we declare them as being the reason for their faltering economy. We abhor such behavior from the Chinese. The only difference I see between Us and Them is that we have the freedom to speak out against such obvious stripping of our constitutional rights. Can the losing of that freedom be far behind? We are already nibbling at the edges of censorship by declaring any opposition to President Obama as being Racist.

How far does the government have to go before we say "enough is enough"? In my opinion we have already gone too far!

A Tale of Two Moores

I just finished watching Michael Moore's Larry King interview. Wow, what a hypocrite! as usual Larry tossed him some softballs and fawned over him like he was the next Francis Ford Coppola

One of his first movies was Roger and Me. In that movie he lambasted General Motors for closing plants, now he blasts them for taking corporate welfare. Imagine how much quicker they would have gone bankrupt had they not made some hard choices (in hindsight the choices were not nearly hard enough).

Once again he bashed the rich (odd since he qualifies as being rich). He made a point that after you make a hundred thousand dollars you no longer pay the 7 percent social security tax. No one said he couldn't pay that extra tax himself if he wanted too. Plus, he clearly doesn't understand the social security system is an insurance policy. we pay our premiums while we work and get the money back when we retire. And while the "rich" max out the tax on their earnings, they also get a much smaller social security check as a percentage of what they paid in, than the "non-rich"

A caller asked him what he made and how he "shared his wealth" with the less fortunate. He hemmed and hawed and gave a half assed answer about buying land and not developing it to keep it environmentally clean...in my world that's called real estate speculation.

He made a point that the richest 1% own more than the other 99% of the population (actually I think that number is one of those pull a number out of the air. How could you verify that). I remember when the homeless situation was the cause Du jour. Someone said a homeless person dies every 6 seconds in America. That became an accepted number. I did the math, and in one year there would have been no homeless people left to die! I think the richest 1% number is like that. Someone pulled a number out of their ass, it sounded good (great sound bites), and it became an accepted number

Almost all of the rich people I know worked their butt off to get the money they have (40 hours a week was unheard of, more like 70-80). They took risks, they saved an scrimped in the beginning, they invested in education both formal and informal. They paid off their credit cards each month, they didn't buy a big screen TV until their old TV actually died.. They bought used cars and drove them till the wheels fell off. They did the opposite of what most non-rich people do.

Do we really want to discourage hard work? Opportunity is what America offers to people.

Admittedly I have never liked Michael Moore. I like him less every time he releases a "documentary". Documentary implies you are documenting something. He does not document, he dramatizes, and that's "OK". The problem is that since he has control over what makes it to the screen, we never see when anyone who has a good answer puts him in his place.

Capitalism is not perfect, but it is better than any other system out there. Certainly better than socialism which has failed everywhere it has been tried. China is just becoming an economic force, and it is no coincidence that they have adopted some capitalist ideals. If this country is so bad, why does he stay? he certainly has the means to move to any country.

I want my kids to have the opportunity to achieve things based on hard work and merit. The idea that we should share the wealth with those "less fortunate" is a great idea, the problem is that very few people are truly "less fortunate". "Less fortunate" has become the way of describing less motivated, less educated, and less disciplined. Is that what we want to reward?

There's Something About Mary

No its not about the movie, unfortunately.

I am a dialysis patient, and because of that I get exposed to death more frequently than most people my age. Since I tend to be outgoing and in a positive frame of mind (most of the time), I know almost everyone in my unit by name, and I greet them each morning. Every few months someone I have known for a few years and have greeted three mornings per week, suddenly stops coming to dialysis.

I would love to tell you they just transferred to a different unit, or got a transplant. In a perfect world that would be the case. What really happens is they have passed away. It is a constant reminder to me that my grasp on life is more tenuous than most. Sometimes it inspires me to get the most out of the time I have here, other times it just scares the hell out of me.

Oddly enough the transformation takes place almost overnight. Mary is the latest potential casualty. She was not in the greatest of shape, but she walked in and out of dialysis under her own power and lived in her own place, taking care of herself. About two weeks ago she stopped coming to dialysis. When I asked about her I was told she was in the hospital. She had broken her leg. While she was in the hospital she developed serious bedsores, and now she resides in a rehab facility (nursing home) and is driven back and forth by ambulance. The transformation has been terrible to watch. She arrives at dialysis moaning in pain and doesn't stop for 4 hours. when they transfer her from the ambulance stretcher to the dialysis stretcher, she cries out in pain.

I have seen this process before, and my guess is Mary is going to be the next casualty. Just two weeks ago I gave her some home made meatballs, now she can't even get out of bed.

While I may be exposed to this more than the average person, all of us should realize that no one has a stranglehold on life. No one knows when their day will come, we just know that it will.

It reminds me to do two things:

1.) Never take my life for granted. Life is too short as it is, and we should all enjoy the time we have here. It is too short to hold grudges, and it is too short to be angry. Those things hurt you more than the person it is directed at.

2.) Make sure I tell the most important people in my life how much they mean to me.

I hope I am wrong about Mary. 9 years ago I was right where Mary is. Being transported by ambulance, in great pain, and not given much of a chance to survive. It wasn't my time (I know that because I am writing this now). Maybe it isn't yet hers. When my time does come I want to have no regrets, no grudges, no anger and no incomplete relationships.

Now please excuse me while I go call my Daughter who is away at college, and remind her how much I miss her.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls

I missed a few days. Plenty to write about but a combo of time and pain prevented me from getting to it. (Bad excuse, I could have made the time. Just like a slacker makes up excuses, so am I) Truthfully all the people who say they did not have the time are really saying there were more important things on their agenda and they just goofed off the rest of the time! I will not miss three days in a row again!

My mom sent me an internet inspiration. Some of those are just OK, some are good, some are Gold. You decide which one this is.

There is a field, with two horses in it.



From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.



This alone is amazing.

If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell.
Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.

Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.



As you stand and watch these two horses, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.




Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.

He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.

Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way....

Good friends are like that... you may not always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

And remember...be kinder than necessary.

Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

I have to remember that sometimes there people who seem blind and deaf, and may need a gentle touch to guide them along. Each one of us will find ourselves both a bell ringer and a bell follower. Sometimes as a ringer you need a little inspiring as well. The past few days have been like that for me. I needed a bell to remind me of my direction

Thanks Mom for always knowing when I need a bell to follow. Happy birthday (admittedly a belated HB) and thanks for passing this along without the usual "if you pass this along to your 10 best friends yadda yadda yadda)

The Worlds Dumbest Parents

The Worlds Dumbest Parents-that's my idea for a new reality TV show. It will show parents finding fault with their kids, criticizing them unnecessarily, putting them down for no good reason, and generally doing things to hurt their kids feelings. I bet it would be a smash hit! Reality TV has taken over the airwaves. Everywhere I look a new reality concept has popped up. It seemed to start with MTV's the Real World, and exploded when Survivor captured America's imagination. Now it seems every day brings some new concept to try to capture our imaginations.

I have somehow managed to avoid the reality TV fascination. I don't get any pleasure watching people expose all their problems to a national audience. I never could understand why people would embarrass themselves in front of the world (I get the money part, if I were guaranteed the million like Richard Hatch it would be worth the embarrassment). The ones that get their own shows or are guaranteed big bucks I get, but the ones who just do it for free baffle me.

My youngest daughter Cassie was watching a reality show called "The Worlds Strictest Parents". The premise of the show is that parents with uncontrollable teens send their problem children to super strict parents to see if their children can be "broken". It is a show that portrays a "Boot Camp" like atmosphere. The episode my kid was watching had a 15 year old girl who would come home falling down drunk, who would curse at her mom (dad was divorced and out of the picture), who smoked, and was an all around PITA (pain in the ass).

As I was making dinner, I was half/watching the program, and two things were going on in my mind. The first was how glad I was that neither of my girls has ever come home falling down drunk, has never had a drinking or drug problem (too my knowledge has never even tried marijuana or any other street drug), and although my oldest smoked a few cigarettes, she quit before it ever became a habit. The second was the amazing way the back-talking and disrespect resembled the way the kids talk to my wife and occasionally to me.

We have raised our kids in a "violence free" household. With the exception of one spanking each (consisting of one swat to rump for my youngest and one light slap to the face of my oldest) when they were very young and acting out in public, we have never raised a hand or a paddle or a "switch" to our kids. Perhaps the old adage "spare the rod and spoil the child" is true. With no fear of physical punishment, and very little fear of other kinds of punishment, my kids seemed to think it was okay to talk back to us.

A part of me wanted to say something to her like "see that kid, that's the way you sound when you talk to us that way". It would have been so easy to point out to her how her behavior was as atrocious as the kid on TV. I wanted to scream out "we should send you there for a little discipline".

I swallowed hard and said "boy am I glad you have never come home falling down drunk", and I followed it up with "and I'm sure glad you never took up smoking". I love my kids. There is nothing more important to me in the world, and because of that I have decided to do my utmost not to say things that will hurt them emotionally or to do things that will hurt them physically. The world has enough in store for them without my adding to the pain. I am their Dad, someone who is supposed to protect them and try to build their self esteem. I know what is in store for them as they get older. The world is full of people who are going to find fault with them. I want to add to that as little as possible. Sometimes it is hard not to say the things I want to say. Sometimes I fail and let my anger get the best of me, but not very often, and less and less all the time

Dale Carnegie says "any fool can criticize, and most fools do". There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says "don't complain about the snow on your neighbors porch when your own is unclean". John Wanamaker said " "I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.". Of course the Bible says it a hundred different ways, but none better than "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". I want to be done "casting stones". I know firsthand how much they hurt. The last thing in the world I want is for the ones I love the most to wonder "why does he say things he knows will hurt me?"

Instead, I want my kids to remember me as the Dad that overlooked their faults and focused on their strengths. The Dad who always ignored the opportunity to find fault but never missed the chance to give to give praise. I have a long way to go and not much time to do it (how quickly the time flies seems to be a common theme of my writings, perhaps I am a bit obsessed with my own mortality)

From what I have seen in my EXTREMELY limited reality TV experience, criticism is the norm. My life experiences say the same thing. It will not be easy, but I will be the exception. I believe it is the right thing to do. At least in my opinion!

Actions speak louder than AC adapters

OK so my title is a little off. I hope it will make sense to you as read on. I had an interesting interaction yesterday. To explain it I need to go back almost 1 year to Oct 31st 2008. My wife wanted to buy a laptop (the one she had needed to have its power coupling fixed for the second time in 2 years) and did not want to wait to have one sent to her. She decided to buy a Gateway at Best Buy.

Almost from the very beginning it had problems. Programs freezing, computer crashing, erratic performances (no blue screen of death since vista has its own way of handling problems), not all the time but enough to drive you batty. One day (after about 4 months) the computer just refused to load Vista.

She brought it back to Best Buy, where they said something to the effect of "we are very sorry for the problem and will do everything we can to resolve this to your satisfaction" (hmmmm sounds like customer service 101). They diagnosed the problem as a bad hard drive. They kept the computer for about a week and returned it with a new hard drive, but without an operating system (seems we were supposed to do the work of re-loading the OS and all the rest of the programs). While I thought this a bit odd, I kept my mouth shut and reloaded all the programs.

In August of this year (a month and a half before the warranty runs out) the battery on the computer will not charge, and worse yet, it will not run using the plugged in AC adapter. Another trip to Best Buy reveals "they are very sorry for the problem and will do everything they can to resolve this to our satisfaction" (sounds familiar) and the AC adapter has gone bad. Best Buy will not replace it because "Gateway prefers to handle Warranty work itself ".

A little miffed I get on-line with Gateway Tech Support and explain my problem. The Tech (from India of course) begins by saying "we are very sorry for the problem and is certain he can resolve this to my satisfaction" and asks me for the serial number on the back of the computer. There are three numbers. The one that looks most promising says "Serial No. followed by 11 digits". I enter the number and the tech says "sorry that number is invalid". The second number is a windows registration key, but the third number looks promising. 22 numbers and letters on a sticker attached to the back of the computer. The problem is the 3rd, 4th, and 5th characters are unreadable due to a scratch on the sticker. When I explain this to the tech, he ends our chat session with an abrupt "contact us again when you have the serial number" (as JarJar Binks would say "how wude"). So far this has not met with my satisfaction!

Where do I go from there? A call to Best Buy reveals that "they are sorry for the inconvenience this has caused me" but they do not keep track of the serial numbers, and if I take the computer back to the Best Buy where it was purchased, they may be able to help me determine the serial number (apparently the guys at Best Buy can recreate that which has been scratched off). Knowing that would be a wild goose chase, I tried Customer Service at Gateway one more time. This time I asked for a supervisor and was put in touch with someone who explained once again that although they wanted very much to "resolve this problem to my complete satisfaction", without a serial number they could do nothing to help me. I had a warranty, I had a receipt proving when I purchased the computer, I had a bad AC Adapter, and I had a whole bunch of people trained to say the right things while doing everything wrong.

To finish the story, I complained via the web, to the Attorney General of Iowa, and the very next day Gateway did the right thing and agreed to send me the AC adapter.

My point to this blog is not about complaints or Best Buy or Gateway (you can draw your own conclusions about them). My point is everyone was saying the right things (although it sounded like they had a canned approach to dealing with complaints) but not doing the right thing.

You have all heard the expression "Actions speak louder than words" or the biblical phrase "you shall be known by your deeds". You can say everything right, but if your actions don't support the words, it is the actions we believe. I don't believe anyone was trying to help me except the Lady that finally agreed to send me the adapter. Their actions spoke louder than their words.

I wonder how often I spoke the words, but my actions said something altogether different. I can think of more than a few times in my life when that was true.

I resolve to make my actions and my words say the same thing.

She's off to see the Wizard

My oldest daughter left for College today. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, she has no clue the adventures that lie ahead of her. I knew this day would come I just didn't know it would happen so fast. I sent her a text that said :

It's hard to describe what I feel today. I am sad you are leaving but excited for the next step in your life. Remember the only way you can fail is if you do not try your best. I will miss your enthusiasm around the house, but I know you are just a phone call away. Christmas is just around the corner, so you will be home before I know it. Your life will now be very different from what you are used to. More freedom but more responsibility too. No one to wake you up, or tell you when to go to bed, laundry to do, and no one to do it but you. You will be an adult but without the bills to pay! What a great time in your life this will be. I know you are ready for this. Have fun, but remember why you are there. Mom and I will always be there for you, so you will never be alone.. Try to sit in front. The prof's like it and you learn more If you get nervous about something, don't keep it to yourself. Talking helps put things in their proper perspective. Don't make others problems yours. It is hard enough to live your own life. don't be afraid to ask for help, from us or from anyone. You will find people love to help (at least the right people do). I pray this becomes the most exciting time in your life (so far) I will always be your biggest fan.

Love
Dad

I have a lot more to tell her, but advice is like food. It's much better if you get it a little at a time.

When Karen and I first had kids, I had all kinds of plans for them. Like most parents I wrote a little script for the way their lives would turn out (sort of my version of the Yellow Brick Road). All she had to do was follow it and at the end there were things she couldn't imagine Of course there was no pain, no sorrow, and in the end they both would up educated, famous and rich. Silly, I know. Life is defined by the struggles we endure ( Dorothy had the apple trees and the witch, and the wizard himself) . Most people I know whose lives I thought were "downhill and shady" had just as much pain and sorrow as everyone else. We all run across a witch or two. The older I got, the more I realized I just wanted them to be happy.

So my oldest daughter is on to the next phase of her life (one where I play a much smaller role) and my youngest is getting her drivers license. I will blink my eyes and she too will be gone. I just hope they realize how much I love them, and how badly I want them to choose happiness (if you read my other blogs you know what I mean by that)

One of my favorite inspirational posters is the one that shows mountain climbers and says "life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"

While I am a little tearful about it, my oldest daughter is on to her next daring adventure, without me this time. While it saddens me to see her go, that was always part of the script I wrote for her when she was just a little girl! Be careful what you wish for (like the Incredible Mr. Limpett), for wishes do come true!

What about Bob?

In an earlier post I wrote about a guy named Bob. He was the guy that that kept asking me questions but didn't listen to the answers.

Good ol' Bob gave me something else to write about! Bob is to my blog what George W. Bush was to all the comedians, and endless source of great material!

Bob has regular doctors appointments in the same building where I go to dialysis three days a week. He and I are bound to run into each other (especially since he appears to be looking for me). Today (much to my chagrin) he found me.

Bob is one of those guys who thinks everyone likes him, but I'm guessing most people try to avoid him if they have talked to him before. He is one of those guys who will compliment what you say, then tell you why you are wrong. He will say something like "that's really interesting, but don't you think...)

One thing I learned from all my training was not to test people. There are lots of ways to test people, and most of them are BAD. One way to test people is to do what Bob did. He came in to the building, saw me waiting for my ride, and said "hey do you remember my name?" I did, and I lied! "Nope, sure don't" I replied with a smile. He shook his head and with a look of disgust he said "Bob" and wheeled away (he has a wheelchair too although he can walk). Relieved that I would not have to talk with him again, I thought "I can't wait til the next time he tests me so I can fail again!"

There are a couple of ways we test people in life. One way is the way Bob did. Why ask a person if they remembered your name? If they did not remember you, you feel bad and the other person is embarrassed. Why risk embarrassing someone you hardly know and making yourself feel bad in the process? Better to say "hi, I'm Bob, we talked last week". Whether the person remembered you or not, all is well. It is never good to put someone in a position to fail. Don't say "do you remember how to do this?" Try saying "you probably remember how to do this, but just in case..."
Always try to put people in a position to look good not bad. I take this idea to the extreme. Two weeks before my birthday I begin leaving reminders. "Only 14 more shopping days till the 30th". "Fathers day is just around the corner". A lot of people think they shouldn't have to remind you of important dates like birthdays and anniversary's, my philosophy is why give people the chance to forget. It embarrasses them and hurts my feelings

Another way of testing is to ask a person a question you already know the answer to, and think they might lie about. Why set a person up that way. Life is hard enough without tempting people to lie to you. Early on in my marriage, I worked some freakishly long hours. One time I was working into the wee hours and my wife called at 3:00 am. I did not want to interrupt my flow so I let it go to voicemail. Half an hour later I got home and my wife said "where were you so late"? When I told her the office, she narrowed her eyes at me and said "I called your office". I smiled and said "I know, at 3:09 am". Of course she was mad that I did not answer, but I was also mad she would try to catch me in a lie. A better way to do something like that is to say "I called your office because I was worried about you, where were you"? It is really not nice to put people in a position to lie to you. There are lots of examples I could give, but I'm sure you have either tested someone or had someone test you in this manner. Don't put people in a position to compromise their integrity. If my kids ever read this (and I hope they do, since this is really for them)they will remember that I never gave them the chance to lie to me. If Cassie's books had never been opened, I didn't ask "have you started your reading yet" I said "Cassie I noticed your books have not been opened, and I know you have reading to do". If Tori's report card said she was missing assignments, I didn't ask "have you turned in all your assignments"

Don't embarrass others or put them in a position to fail. Don't test others. The bible says "let he who is without sin cast the first stone". I say "let he who has never forgotten a name or important date, or told a white lie, give the first test"
Don't we get tested enough by life?

Time flies whether you are having fun or not!

I heard from a young friend (if I called her an old friend she would be pissed) who reminded me how long we have known each other. When we first met her daughter was just a kid (maybe in middle school). She didn't like boys (boys are annoying when you are that age) and gymnastics was the most important thing in her life. I don't think my oldest was even born yet.

I blinked my eyes and 25 years went by. Like Michael Newman, the character played by Adam Sandler in the movie "Click", it seems like my life has been in fast forward. The only difference is I have no "magic remote" to go back and review the important events in my life. The other difference is that I am quite sure Morty, played by Christopher Walken, is not going to give me a second chance.

If I had the chance to go back, I wouldn't. While life is a fantastic adventure, it can be very hard. There are things in my life I would not want to go through again. Certainly there are some things I would love to do again, but all I have to do is close my eyes and those experiences come back to me in vivid detail.

I have very few regrets in my life, to be sure I have a few. Anyone who says they have no regrets is either a liar or a sociopath. I wish I had a few "mulligans" (that's a golfing term, a "do over" for all you non golfers). The things I regret were mistakes I made that had bad consequences for other people. For the most part, I wouldn't change a thing. The things I did made me the person I am and gave me things I have.

Sometimes when I think "I wish I had gone away to college instead of commuting" I realize that an action like that would probably have spun my life into an entirely different direction. Maybe better, maybe worse, but I doubt I would have the same wife, kids and friends that I do now, so the most important things in my life would be changed. Rent the movie "Mr. Destiny" with Jim Belushi (it's like "Click" but no remote, a better plot, and better acting) it is a great "message movie".

Back to my young friend, she reminded me her daughter has not lived at home "full time" for 11 years. It seems like yesterday we had lunch at Charlies Crab in the Northfield Hilton (one of those great memories I can re-live). I will blink my eyes again and my oldest daughter will be 11 years gone from my home, and my youngest will be 8 years gone!

A great reminder that I need to enjoy every moment of my life, because time flies period! Today you may be single and carefree, it will seem like tomorrow and 25 years will pass. Enjoy everything. Hold no grudges, they are excess baggage that hurt you more than the person you are holding the grudge against. Try everything. When you get to be older you don't want to say "I wish I had tried this". Don't let your friends "drift away". Before you know it, you will have not seen them for 8 years (or more). If you are unhappy with the direction of your life, change it. Don't say "I wish I had...". If there is something you wish you had done, do it now. It's never too late to start something new.

At least that is the way it has been for me, and since these are all just my opinions, you can take them or leave them.

Are You an Arrow?

I read an article yesterday where a politician said, "in this business you are either a target or an arrow". The comment really struck home. All my life I have been training myself to be an arrow. Arrows seek out the things they want, targets are content to be struck by whatever happens to fly by. Arrows take the shortest distance to the bullseye, targets can be moved around wherever you want them. An arrow has to be held back, because if you let it go, its gone in the blink of an eye. A target has to be propped up (usually by a bale of hay). Arrows have strong heads, targets have soft surfaces and thin skins.

Being an arrow it seems, is far better than being a target. As I said, my life has been a search for the "arrow in me".

The problem with being an arrow is that sometimes you unintentionally "shoot" someone you love. I did just that this week. Someday when my daughter reads these (I am trying to capture my thoughts, ideas and feelings for all the people I love, so that when I am gone there will be more of me to remember than just old photos) she will remember how sorry I am about what happened.

My oldest is going away to school in September. For the last three weeks, she has been "holed up" in her room, and hardly says a word to me. This is a HUGE change for us. Normally she bursts into my room, filled with enthusiasm, and tells me everything that went on (right or wrong) with her life that day. The past few weeks I have been lucky if she grunts an "I'm not hungry" at me.

I knew there was something wrong, and I was certain I did something that made her angry with me. When I asked her what was wrong, all i got was a "nothing dad everything is fine". The arrow in me refused to accept that. I knew I had done something, and I could not bear to have the kid who meant so much to me, stay angry with me. After all, in a few short weeks she will be gone for months. I had to get to the bottom of this and I had to do it fast. Since she was not talking to me, I texted her an "I don't know what I did, but we gotta put this behind us" message.

She came to my room with fire in her eyes. "I have been trying to tell you that its not you dad. I'm upset, I haven't gone anywhere, I'm upstairs watching TV." "All my friends are mad at me because I wont go out. I don't know why, blame the chemicals in my brain" "what am I supposed to do, come to your room and say hey dad, nothings changed, I didn't do shit today?". and she added "I don't need you to make me feel worse about it"

With tears in my eyes I told her "I'm sorry honey, you tried to tell me that and I just didn't listen. It will not happen again". I hugged her for the first time in weeks, and that was the end of it.

I get it. She is not really depressed. She is scared about the future (who wouldn't be). She will be living away from home for the first time, with a roommate she has never met. None of her close friends are going to the same school, so she will be all alone 5 states away. I guess I might be a little depressed if I were her.

Shame on me for not listening, shame on me for not being more understanding, but mostly shame on me for not trusting in my relationship with my daughter.

Rather than listen, and try to put myself in her shoes, the Arrow in me wanted to get to the heart of the problem.

To all you arrows out there, ease up on the bowstring when dealing with your loved ones. Sometimes its better to be a target.

At least that's how I feel today, of course like all my writings, this is just an opinion. Remember opinions are like diapers, they should be changed often, and for the exact same reason.